Prinses on… Waitering (Part II)

In the previous post, I ranted about the restaurant industry, and the circumstances that waiters have to put up with. I likened the restaurant industry to one big steaming machine, with the staff as the components that make the machine function. This analogy can only be complete if you also take into consideration the final element that renders the machine useful: its (ab)users…

The Customers
That’s you, dear reader. You are just the average person, looking for a nice served meal. You are willing to pay for your food and the service. You are just a valid contributor to the economics of our country, right? Well, 80% of you are. The other 20% are socially deranged. Customers are the sustenance as well as the demise, the provider as well as the parasite and the happiness as well as the haemorrhoid of the waiter. Customers are to waiters what food is to an aspiring anorexic. The source of frustration is also the source of livelihood. These customers come in categories:

The Regulars – Ah. You go to a certain restaurant regularly because it’s you favourite place to chill. You know everyone and they know you, it’s like a home away from home. Not. You are in denial. If you had real friends you would be checking out new places together. You are insecure. You feel special when the waiter says “The regular for you eh, John?” This is okay, to an extent. We respect you and we are grateful for your support and generally enjoy your company, to an extent. Some regulars tend to take advantage of the staff’s kindness, rendering them undeserving of loyal service… Anywhere… Ever. They are recognised by their not-so-subtle name-dropping and ridiculous requests – i.e “Just ask (enter Owner’s name) he always lets me have my steak without meat and the sauce especially made with dolphin tears and my vegetables arranged to spell my name.” Yah. Right. Fuck off. This being said, there are also many nice regulars, somewhere, or so I’ve heard.

The Foreigners – Yes, I will recommend the most expensive wine and the most expensive food if you are not South African. What with the current state of the Rand to the Dollar/Pound/Euro/Yen/Peso being what it is, I’m sure you don’t mind it either. Yes, nice slave girl will bring Frenchman big meat for cheap! What an unpredictable bunch, though. They will tip below ten per cent and then have the cheek to ask what the standard rate is for the vest-wearing bum who ‘watches car nicely’! Yep, don’t mind me, the friendly white girl who actually provides a service, both as waitress and tourist info-agent. Pay the scary African man. Another big factor with this type of customer, is the inevitable language barrier, which greatly adds to annoyance levels at the table. I know what a co-ca-co-la is, but excuse me for not knowing what 罗汉斋 is. Also, Mr. West, us not serving Budweiser does not make us weird.

The VIP’s – These are prominent people in our society, for example, presidents, ministers and other figures in entertainment, like famous actors or sport stars. Also in this category are celebrities like health and safety inspectors or food critics. The presence of these people give the Owner a false sense of ‘being a famous restaurant owner.’ There’s no such thing. Name one. I dare you. These people are to receive ‘the best’ treatment by the staff. This concept is ridiculous. As a waitress, I take special care to give the same amount of attention to all my tables. You are expected to gravel at their feet, polish their shoes, kiss their hands, cut their meat for them, feed them and help with the digestive process by rubbing their bellies after dinner. Fuck that.

The Guys – Being a girl, this is my favourite kind of clientele. If you think the previous statement is true, you’re obviously a guy. No, my number is not on special with our Steak au poivre. I am not on the dessert menu. You are not as original as you think. There is a difference between serving and servicing. The fact that I’m wearing a skirt and that you have a credit card does not render it okay to touch me. Now go home to your wife.

The Ladies – The presence of a table occupied by a bunch of hot women can greatly affect the dynamics in a restaurant. This is fun to watch. The bartenders suddenly have an attention span. The manager suddenly becomes helpful and the chef suddenly finds time to wipe his forehead, chuck his apron, step out of the kitchen and ask the bar for a glass of cooking wine himself. Truly amazing to behold. The girls obviously notice the attention. They eat, treat the waitress nicely, tip fairly reasonable and then politely excuse themselves to move from the restaurant area to the bar area. Apparently these two are divided by a warp zone. The nice ladies from the table transform into alcohol slurping strippers. Once again, fun to watch, but the outcome is nasty.. (Stay with me here for the pun..) One tequila, two tequila, three tequila..(the waitress has to mop the) FLOOR!

The Couple – This is either the easiest or he hardest able to serve. Valentine’s day. Ugh. I have to come and ask you guys if you want drinks, I am not trying to seduce your boyfriend. I have one of my own. Who has to sit at home while I attend to your blind consumerist needs. Not that I mind. Val’s day is one of the best days for making money. The trick, I’ve found, is to flirt with the girl. The tip is directly proportional to the guy’s illusion of whether he’s going to score with his date.

The Loner – Usually a very easy table to serve, The Loner knows what he wants. (I say he, because I’ve never served a woman alone. Girls don’t even go wee-wee alone…) There is however, every so often, the creepy fella, who views your serving him as quality time for the two of you, popping in often for these ‘dates’, jealously looking on as you serve The Guys. Yeah. They exist. Some even leave their numbers on the bill… No jokes…

The Family – This type of customer comes in many varieties. Dad-dominated, mom-dominated, kid-dominated, indecisive, rich, budget-buyers, the big and loud family, the awkward family, the in-laws, the fat family, the sharers… The list is endless. [Script note: SFX – Educational Program Female Voice:] Can you figure out where you fit in?

Check, I generally love waitressing, can you tell? No, seriously, it is a very satisfying job, comparable to none. Waiters are a special kind of species, not afraid to get their hands dirty, willing to make someone else’s night awesome, even if they have shit of their own, and if they succeed, there’s no greater feeling (except maybe getting a phone call from your manager just before a shift telling you you don’t have to come in). This experience will not be possible without the special people who fill the restaurant seats, who show us everyday that we are not, contrary to common belief, as fucked up as we might think. Thank you.